Hey, she didn't send me a card!

Why are we obsessed with Christmas cards... sorry...holiday cards? You know that you do it. I do it! I go over to a friends house and I casually scrutinize all of their holiday cards. I start out smiling enjoying the cute pictures and pithy sentiments. That family is so cute. Oh my god what's wrong with that family? Freaks. Oh isn't that baby beautiful. Then I see it! A card from HER! My hands start to feel a little clammy. I casually ask, to make sure that I am not hallucinating.

"Is this card from HER?" I ask.
"Oh yeah...isn't that card cute?"
"I wouldn't know!" I snap. "She didn't send one to me!"
"Oh really?"
"Yes. I sent one to her. I assumed that she didn't send out cards this year."
"Hmmm."
"Did you send her a card?"
"No."
"NO! Why did she send one to you and not to me?"
"I don't know, maybe because our daughters are in Brownies together? I see her a lot."
"But, her son is in Dylan's class. I see her at pick up every day!"
"I don't know..."

How does this happen. Why do we care so much who sends cards to who? There could be a million reasons why a friend sends a card to one friend and not another. Why are we so sensitive?

The only thing worse than not getting a card from a friend, is forgetting to send a card to a friend. You are all sitting at coffee and someone comments on your cute card and another friend is up in arms because she didn't get one. You sink into the booth and pray for death.

Card lists are hard! You want to include everyone, but you don't want to end up sending 200 cards. Here is an example, you might have a book club with 14 people. 5 of the people you see all of the time. 7 you might see at parties and a rare group play date, 2 of the people you only see at book club. Who do you send the cards too? If you are like me you of course send to all of them! Then your OCD mind worries that there are 3 or 4 mutual acquaintances of your book club friends that you have hung out with a few times. What if they are over at a book club friend's house and they see my card and then they wonder why I hate them! Then they never talk to me again. Dear God! This year I took a chance and didn't send cards to the acquaintances, but I have extra cards in case I get one from them. This year I used about 95 of my 100 cards. One question...Who are all of these people?

Are you like me? Do you have to send a card to everyone who sends you a card? Nothing is worse than getting a card from someone that you didn't send a card too. Seriously, I don't even know who some of these people are. Perhaps they were friends with the previous owners of the house, but if they send me a card I send one back. Then I add them to the list...but for how many years? Next thing you know we are sending out 300 cards!

Card wars are so juvenile and so lame! It is not a popularity contest. but seriously, why didn't you send me a card do you hate me?

Lydia The Tattooed Lady

For all of you who don't know why I call myself "Lydia oh Lydia", Groucho Marx sang the song "Lydia, The Tatooed Lady" in the movie At The Circus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4zRe_wvJw8
paste into your browser to see the song

When I was a little girl every old man who I met said. "Do you know that there is a famous song about a Lydia?" Then they would sing this song to me. I hated this song. I used to cringe every time my parents were in the company of old men. I knew it was coming. I was always instructed to be polite. So I would smile with an iron clenched jaw and pretended that this wasn't the 400th smelly old man who had sung that song to me that week.

I hated that damn song for years! If I saw old men walking down the street I hid in door ways. I was afriad that they would spot me and break into song. I hated my name and I hated the Marx Brothers! I wanted to be named something glamorous like Jill, Kelly, Sabrina, or even Kris or Shelley. These were the coolest names ever and they belonged to Charlies Angels, the most stylish fabulous bad ass girls in the word. Not a stupid fat loser name like Lydia.

Fast forward to bras, straight leg jeans, and small hair. Most of the old men who used to sing to me disappeared. I kind of missed them and the song. I realized that having a different name was actually cool. I never had to be Lydia G, like my husband Dave complains about. He hates being one of many David where ever he goes to school, work, or even out to the gym. He often says that he can not throw a Frisbee with out it hitting another David.

I have fallen in love with my unique cool name and embraced the odd pop culture song that made Lydia famous. I still do not have any tattoos because I think that would just be much of a cliche. Who knows I might some day get a tattoo of the battle of waterloo on my back. Maybe...Maybe...NOT!

Until then my friends...

Anyway, here is the song..

LYDIA, THE TATTOOED LADY


Oh Lydia, Oh Lydia
Now have you met Lydia
Lydia the tattooed lady
She has muscles men adore-so
And a torso even more-so
Oh, Lydia, Oh Lydia
Now have you met Lydia
Lydia the queen of tattoo
On her back is the battle of Waterloo
Beside it the wreck of the Hesperus too
and proudly above waves the red white and blue
You can learn a lot from Lydia

There's Grover Walen unveilin' the Trylon
Over on the West Coast we have Treasure Island
There's Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon
And Lady Godiva--but with her pajamas on
She can give you a view of the world in tattoo
If you step up and tell her where
Mon Paree, Kankakee, even Perth by the sea
Or of Washington crossing the Delaware.

Oh Lydia, Oh Lydia, now have you met Lydia
Lydia the queen of them all
She has a view of Niagara which nobody has
And Basin Street known as the birthplace of jazz
And on a clear day you can see Alcatraz!
You can learn a lot from Lydia!
--Lydia the queen of tattoo!

Lydia, oh Lydia, have you met
Lydia, the queen of them all!
She once knocked an admiral off of his feet,
The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat.
And now the old man is in command of the fleet,
For he went and married Lydia!

What was so great about 2008?

Thank you all for reading my blog!!!!!!!!
Lydia oh Lydia Loves you all!

Here is my year in a quick review:

This year I tried new things that worked:
Finding a church
Blogging
Facebook
Flickr
Water aerobics
Zumba
Skinny Cow ice cream bars
Having a milk man
Laughing at my mistakes


This year I tried new things that kind of worked:
Being a calmer less crazy mother
Taking a chair mom position in the mom's club
Using a paper calendar
Saying "no" to my sister
Trying to kill and destroy the mosquito fertility clinic in my back yard
Keeping the house some what presentable

This year I tried things that failed:
Patching things up with the birth family
Procreating
Becoming a voice over actress
Finding good fitting jeans
Balancing my checkbook
Overcoming my compulsive overeating disorder
Keeping the house clean
Keeping my car clean
Keeping my dirty mouth clean (of swearing)

Failed miserably:
Weight Loss surgery
Working at Target
Potty training my daughter
Remembering people's names
Keeping in touch with friends...especially the far away ones
Having romantic dates with my husband.
Making the house clean enough for company

Most Embarrassing incidents of the year:
There are too many to count, but there are few major themes

• Putting my foot in my mouth in all situations!
• Calling someone the wrong name
• My children's antics
• Calling people I have known for years by the wrong name
  
• Me and my friends antics
  
• Getting myself into what I refer to as Lucille Ball situations. (example: trying to make brownies for a party. Tried to make black bean brownies. Bought the wrong brownie mix, and the wrong beans. Put it in the wrong pan and due to all of the mistakes they were under cooked and looked like refried beans. They tasted like chocolate covered refried beans. I bought cookies on the way.
• Forgetting my wallet at home...when I am at the cash register of a store. Or out to eat with friends
• Calling everyone the wrong name
• The kids destroying library materials
• Sending things to the wrong people via email, and facebook.
• Always assuming...everything...never ever correctly
• Stalking ex boyfriends and ex friends on the internet...How shameful!
  
• Making an overall ass of myself when ever possible.
• Messing up all of the kids school projects, times, dates, special programs, fund raisers...thank God for Dave!
  

Best moments of the year:
Dylan's preschool graduation.
Many trips to grandma's on Cape Cod
Playing with the kids in the ocean
Laughing with my book club.
Falling in love with my husband...over and over
Picking fresh raspberries and strawberries with Alice from our garden.
Listening to the things my Dylan says; "I am usually such an upbeat fellow."
"Mommy your pits don't smell too bad today."
"Please can I have .... Please my big sweetie! My beautiful darling."
"Today is the best day of my whole life!" (At least 5 days a week.)

Listening to the things Alice says "Momma you Sponge Bob and I Gary...Meow!"
"I not Alice! I super man!"
"Anabel is my best friend. (As she drags the dog on a leash the dog fighting with all her might being pulled across the kitchen floor) Come on Anabel."
"Mommy I play you? You play Me?
Pointing to what ever snack I have just made for myself. "No, no, no momma, that's mine snack!"
Hearing that people love my blog!
Seeing that people are reading my blog!


Here is to more fun in 2009!


Help me reach my goal for 2009. I want to have 20 readers subscribed to my blog!

Time for Bubble Tea!

I have to share! Alice and Dylan are getting out of the tub. I am wrestling Dylan's PJs on in the playroom, while Alice is is the draining tub. For all of you safety fanatics, I am about 2 seconds away from Alice and I can hear every drop of water. As I am wresting Dylan's final piece of PJ on, I hear Alice whining. "Oh no...Oh no..."

I walk into the bathroom and see her on her hands and knees in the empty bathtub with her face against the drain. She sees me looks up and says. "Momma, my happy tea gone!" Then she looks down the drain again and starts to sniffle.

I of course scream out in my best over done English accent. "Lady Marmalade! get off of your knees at once! You look like a common ladies maid!"

Alice loves to play tea party in the tub. We prefer to have a proper English high tea circa 1880s. She is Lady Marmalade. I am her loyal governess Mrs. Butterworth, Dylan is HRH Mayor-general McCheese, and Daddy is of course our royal knight and our hero Sir. Fartsalot. We all have parts, even our visitors. My sister is Miss Muffintop, and Anabel the dog is of course her namesake, Anabel May St.George from Edith Horton's book the Buccaneers (Pictured above).
What? I never claimed to be anything , but a big geek!

I use bath time to teach Alice/Lady Marmalade proper manners that are suitable for a young lady of good breeding such as herself. I am often heard giving her important lessons and correcting her form. And saying things like: "Lady Marmalade, a lady of your station does not chug-a-lug her tea from the tea pot and then spit it out at her brother." "Lady Marmalade! We do not gnaw on our toast like a scullery maid! And then throw it across the room!" "Unhand me, madame! I do mean immediately!" "Stop throwing saucers this instant!" "At this rate we'll be lucky to marry you to a fish monger!"

Thank God that the tea is just water and the toast and china are plastic. Being a governess is a thankless and dangerous job! I doubt that I will ever have Lady Marmalade ready in time for the London Season. She will never find a suitable husband, the girl's manners are dare I say... completely common. Oh yes, I said it! But she is so much fun play with!

If anyone would like to be an honorary member of our bathtub society please let me know and I will give you a name. You do not have to actually bathe with us, we'll just make you an honorary member.

Until that time I bid thee farewell,
God Speed,
I am now and always,
Your humble servant,
Mrs. Butterwoth.

Yahoo's, 2008 A Year in Review

Here Are Yahoos 10 most searched people, places, and things in the year 2008.
What does Lydia think ?


10. American Idol
10? I thought that American Idol was so 2005? Yes, I watch some American Idol, but I never vote! I am a (closet) singer and I enjoy listening to other people sing. I love the first few episodes of the season. However I feel bad for the people who suck, because they have been strung along. A friend of a friend was on American Idol, the year they came to Boston. I know for a fact that by the time the show is taped with the judges the contestants have been through 3 rounds.
Later on in season the show only has the "good" singers, the show gets so boring. By the time they crown the winner, I have forgotten all about it. I guess I like the beginning of the show because when I watch, I can fantasize that if the show was around 15 years ago that, I might have made it through a round or two. Because like all things, it's all about me.

9. Angelina Jolie
I don't know why...but I like her. Not in a girl crush way, but in a...yeah in a girl crush way. She is so gorgeous and she wants to save the world. She's a mom, a mom on fertility steroids, but still a loving mom. She is raising kids with my longtime pretend boyfriend Brad. She's like the popular girl who you kinda hate, but you also admire....

She's made her mistakes, she married Slingblade, wore his blood around her neck and his name on her arm. She then divorced him and stole Jennifer Aniston's husband. While I do not condone husband swiping, I do think, if Brad Pitt ever knocks on my door and I look up and see that body, with that chiseled face and those piercing blue eyes...oh and those luscious lips...once I recovered consciousness, and he helps me off of the door mat, I would have a hard time remembering who I am, not to mention who Dave is. Oh Brad....yummy Brad....perfect Brad...hmmm.....what is the topic again?

8.Lindsay Lohan
I thought that Lohan was so last year...I didn't care then and I don't really care now...O.k. I do need to know if she is gay? Did she come out? More importantly when is she going away?

7. Naruto.
Naruto? I have no idea what this is and I am not cheating...My guess is that Naruto is a new Latino boy band reminiscent of Menudo. To put a modern spin on an old theme, this new band is green. They sing their little hearts out, shake their little hips, and when they leave town, they leave thousands of screaming young fans , but no carbon foot print at all.

What? Is that wrong? Is female Viagra? Naruto, for you too.

6. Jessica Alba
She's cute. She had a baby, she can sing and act...She's like vanilla. It's a nice classic flavor. Sweet, nice...BORING!

5. Rube Scape
I have heard of a landscape, man-scape a few stupid scapes: table-scape and room-scape. What the heck is a Rube Scape? In the 80's we loved our Rubiks cubes. Is a Rube Scape a designer Rubiks cube? Have your pop art portrait created into a Rubik's cube! Each side is another portrait of you, your dog, or even your car? This year's hottest accessory is no longer the iphone, spread the word.

4. Miley Cyrus
She is just a kid, kids do stupid things. Do you want her to end up like Brittney or Jamie-Lynn? Leave her alone...her career will slowly flame out on it's own... Do I smell smoke?

3. Barack Obama
I love this man! On a serious note I am worried about his personal safety. On a side note I am going to kinda sorta miss Bubba. Sure he almost ruined the country and got us into a war. But he aint to blame, Bubba is a simple man, he aint much fir book lernin', but Laura's been workin' with him and he's lernin real good. After he leaves office he's going to study up for his GED.

2. WWE
World Wrestling Enterprises? I have no idea. I have boobs, I don't get the whole wrestling thing. Men covered in oil, dressed like super hero's, hands all over each other? Grunting screaming, sweating. Obviously macho straight guys vehicle of expressing their deep seeded homoerotic fantasies. We all know about you boys. You can come out now!

1. Brittney Spears. Poor sad simple Brittney. You take an uneducated simple country girl, make her into a mega hypersexualized super star. Then they ran her like a glamorized hamster on the manically wheel of fame. After five or six years the poor thing just got exhausted, her little feet couldn't keep up! She fell off of the fame wheel and then she hitchhiked a bus to crazy town. Then instead of helping her and when the bus crashed, the media and everyone just poured gasoline on the wreck. Then the world blames her. She's only a sweet little tired hamster! Just leave her alone. Giver her a break...and some sunflower seeds.

Tomorrow is Lydia's review of her top 10 most memorible and humiliating events of 2008.