Friday, April 10, 2009
Listen I am a snob. I am from New England, I grew up in Brookline a wealthy suburb of Boston, my parent's were college English professors. My dad took me to the opera, the ballet, and museums. The first time I went to see the Red Sox play I was confused how the game could start before everyone was sitting down, and why the house lights never blinked? I was brought up to speak with out the harsh sounding Boston accent. If my sister or I ever dropped an R or an ING my mother would scold us. Our room could always be a mess but our pronunciation had to always be clean. We were quality people. My mom still is, but this morning I realized that I have become white trash.
I was sitting on our little side porch folding laundry. The porch is also home to 2 plastic white chairs, recycling bins, a bin of beer bottles & soda cans that we need to take back to the store and other misc debris, including a pair of winter boots, gardening tools, and a half a bag of ice melt. I look up from my folding to see Alice has taken off her shoes, socks, and pants and is covered in dirt and running around the yard looking like she just ran out of her habitat in the woods. Dylan comes tearing down the driveway on his dad's old 1970's Big Wheel. The Big Wheel is in messy beat up condition Dave's great-grand mother found it in her basement last year and Dylan loves to ride it. Dylan dressed himself today and is wearing too short red sweatpants and a Cars tee-shirt with no shoes or socks.
I look at the kids, then I look at the messy porch, then my eyes scan to the woods in the back yard and see that their is scattered trash back there. I guess during these last few weeks of wind that trash from the recycling bins have been blowing off the porch and into the woods. I also see some of the kids old outdoor toys in a pile. They have been out here all winter, I was meaning to donate them to charity. The plastic toys are sun bleached and the old red wagon is rusty. Wow this backyard looks like it belongs in Appalachia not New England. I thought to myself
Then I realized that my husband has no job. That I have no job. I realized this while I was folding laundry barefoot and unshowered on my dirty porch, I mean I was folding my granny panties for all of the neighborhood to see, but it was such a beautiful day and I had to watch the kids. The half dressed dirty kids playing in my trash covered yard cluttered with junk. The only thing keeping my house from actually being mistaken for Appalachia was the absence of rusted out cars and a pickup truck with deer antlers on the front and a shotgun holder in the cab. But the family and the yard looked bad enough! There is no denying the sad truth! I have become white trash!
I had an important decision to make. I could clean up the yard, donate the toys, dress and clean the kids, and go look for a job ASAP. Or I need to just accept my fate and get a tramp stamp above my boobs, trade in the Subaru for an old Camaro, and start referring to Dave as my Baby-Daddy.
Did I pick up the trash or embrace it? What do you think?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
So I, Lydia, the happiest person in Mayberry am getting depressed and consuming at least a pound of chocolate Easter bunnies a day. Oh the carnage! Little half eaten brown corpses all over the house. What has brought on this massacre? Pinks slips! They are showing up all over town. Mayberry is turning from a cute little thriving country town in a ghost town. I am waiting for the morning coffee lines at Dunkin' Donuts to be replaced by soup lines at the local churches.
My husband has been pink slipped, my friend's husband's have been pink slipped, my friend's themselves have been pink slipped, the only guy working is the guy who gives out the pink slips! A storm of pink slips scattering like pink snow into the sky and covering our little town. It looks like a gay pride parade around here, but no one is smiling.
At least the weather is getting warmer so that when we all loose our houses we can make do. We'll live off of the land. Get off the grid. Live simply like our forefathers. I am picturing a tent city with WiFi of course on the town green. I can't give up blogging. The wives can openly breast feed the babies while making mac & cheese over open fires while the husband's frantically carouse job listings on their laptops. We can live on wild squirrels and raccoons. We can live with less, just a tent, and a picnic table, and a yoga mat to sleep on. But wait? What about the bathroom? I can live with you people in a tent but some activities are private, even in a crisis? What about TV? America's Next Top Model just stared a new season. What about refrigeration? I need ice in my drinks. I am a cold drink person. I can't be drinking no lukewarm drinks. Forget about hot drinks. Hot drinks in the summer? What are we barbarians?
Okay, perhaps we can make do. Maybe this is just a blip and everyone will be okay? Maybe I should stop stock piling canned goods, and stop trying to find a 900 Square foot tent on Craig's List. I am just scared. This is a new chapter in my families and a lot of other families lives. I don't know what will happen to our family or to my little country town. I guess just wait to see if Dave and my friends get other jobs, or if we'll be roughing it in the great outdoors...there is nothing I can do about it now...accept go out to buy more chocolate bunnies.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Today Alice astonished me by allowing me to dress her in a dress. She looked adorable in her denim dress trimmed with ribbon and tiny flowers. She even wore tights and matching shoes. My rough and tumble tomboy was transformed into a little lady. Maybe there is hope for her, maybe she won't go to her senior prom barefoot, in her brother's dirty worn out jeans and old tee-shirt after all? I tried to contain my glee as I am sure that the minute I got too excited she would rip the dress off and refuse to ever put it back on. Her behavior is quite unpredictable. I wonder if the fact that the dress snaps up the front had anything to do with her compliance? Maybe she hates dresses that go over her head? I don't really care about the specifics I am just thrilled to show off my beautiful daughter to the world.
First we go to the eye doctor where the people in the waiting room fuss over how cute she is. Then we are off to a play date at McDonald's where my friend is dumbfounded to see Alice's outfit. We decide that perhaps Alice's new big girl hair cut has made her want to dress like a girl? Or perhaps there is a full moon? After McDonald's we go back to her house to play. While at her house Alice goes potty and then refuses to put her tights, and her shoes back on. Which is fine with me all we have to do is pick up her brother from school then we are going home. Pick your battles I always say.
About 30 minutes later Alice still sans tights and shoes and I are in the pick-up line at Dylan's school. I notice that my friend is parked in front of us. I jump out to say a quick hello. We are having a little chitchat when Alice approaches. I look at Alice and almost pass out. My friend see's my expression and crane's her neck to see Alice, walking up to her van wearing nothing but a pull-up, and one shoe. I am paralyzed. I can not believe that my child is standing basically naked in the school pick up line. Why would the child put on only one shoe? Why did she strip? The temperature is 40 degrees? Now other mom's and kid's are looking out in horror at her from their cars. Now any mom's who thought that perhaps I was just slightly nuts now think that I am certifiable bonkers. No good mother in her right mind would let her daughter prance around almost naked, outside of a school, wearing one shoe, in April!
I grab Alice and carry her back into the back seat and find the dress completely unsnapped. I quickly wrestle the dress back on little cold body. Of course the snaps! I am a horrid mother. I am sure that the kid was sitting bored in her seat started playing with the snaps...and viola! Naked! She then of course had to unbuckle her seat and come show me her accomplishment.
Maybe dresses are overrated. So what if she is the only girl at the senior prom in Levis! At least she won't show up naked.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
I have been tired, exhausted, and very grumpy lately. Just for the heck of it I took a pregnancy test. I was in the bathroom with the door closed administering the pregnancy test. In other words I was peeing on the stick. Too bad the lock doesn't work. Alice comes in and says.
"Momma? What that momma?" I try to hide the pregnancy test but she wants to see it. We are fighting over the stick and considering my disadvantage of being seated...she won.
"Momma...oooh." She was fascinated by the lines in the little windows indicating that I am not pregnant. Alice grabs the stick pulls down her little pants and sits on her little pink potty.
"Momma, I pee stick momma." She pees in the potty and on the stick. Then she shows me the stick and I confirm that Alice is not pregnant either.
Shouldn't one of you be calling the Department of Social Services? This is just not normal. On the other hand she has peed on her pee-stick in her potty 3 times today. Maybe I am on to a new product here?
Monday, April 6, 2009
Driving a bunny around town is a lot more fun than I ever expected it to be. I first decorated the car with his bunny costume on April Fool's Day to amuse my kids. But, I have decided to keep the costume on until Easter. The costume consists of two huge white bunny ears that attach to the drivers windows, a huge pink nose with whiskers that attached to the grill, and I added a big white fluffy tail on the back. When driving the bunny I notice that other drivers are much more courteous . I am not sure if this is becasue they are assuming that I must be a nice person so they give me the right of way? Or do they assume that I am completely crazy and are being nice so I don't jump out of my bunny and beat them to death with a giant carrot?
I also enjoy how pedestrians react to the bunny. Some of them smile, some laugh, some wave, and some just look have this look of shock like they have never seen a huge silver bunny driving down the road. Kids love the bunny the best. The point and giggle, they jump up and down, they wave their arms up in the air. Picking Dylan up from school is the best. The kids freak out and Dylan gets to be "The Man" if only for a few seconds, until something better drives by, like a car with a puppy.
Driving the bunny is dangerous work, but I am willing to take that risk to amuse the good town folk of Franklin. I have learned that I can't roll down my window all of the way or my left ear pops off. Thank goodness that this only happened once when I was stopped to say hi to my friend. and flies down the road. No one was injured and the bunny did not require major surgery.
There was an unfortunate mishap that happened over the weekend. I was driving pretty fast, I was so hot and I needed air, so I opened my window, but I made sure not to open it all of the way. But the wind was too strong and the bunny ear flew off of the car. I watched the ear's flight from the rare view mirror. The ear flew like a sharp white spear spiraling through the air. I prayed that no innocent pedestrian got injured. How sharp is a plush bunny ear? If the ear is traveling fast enough can it penetrate the skin? I saw a woman power walking on the sidewalk, the ear was heading right for her, I couldn't watch. The ear just missed her and landed on the grass to her left. I banged a U-turn and saw her picking up the ear and removing her ipod buds from her own ears. She looked around from side to side and her facial expression was that of someone who had just nearly escaped being hit by a projectile fluffy bunny ear. She held it in her hand and looked up at the sky. Perhaps she was waiting for the rest of the bunny to fall?
I parked near her and ran over. She looked at me and then she saw my car she started laughing. She handed me the ear and shook her head, I thanked her and she smiled put her earbuds back on continued walking.
I am having way too much fun driving the bunny car. I think that today I'll wear bunny ears. Hey maybe I'll make the kids wear bunny ears too. We can be the bunny family in the bunny car. I should really be on medication...
GIve me a wave if you see me hopping down the road!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
HAPPY EAT EASTER CANDY WEEK
I love Easter. Spring is here, hope is born again and pastel colored candy is everywhere. I am a religious gal, Jesus is my home boy. But, I am not going to talk about that part of the holiday on my blog. This blog is about the every mom's Easter. The bunny, the eggs, and of course the candy. This week we'll be dying our eggs along with our fingers and clothes. I'll be filling Easter eggs & Easter baskets, making Easter cookies and Easter cards.
Here are some things that I love about Easter: