Be Prepaired

I was outside picking raspberries in my garden when I heard my daughter calling me. I turn to see my perfect daughter rounding the corner buck naked holding her little orange pocketbook under her arm. The average mother might freak out dropping her basket sending helpless raspberries flying to their death. She is instantly transformed into a Crocs wearing banshee running at the kid waving her arms and screaming "Get back in the house! Get back in the house!"

Not this mom. I look up see the naked girl shake my head smile and finish picking my last few berries. Not because I am a neglectful mother. Not because I am sure that every one in the neighborhood had already seen Alice naked at least 5 times. I smile because I realize that I am a great mother. My daughter might be buck naked and outside of the house, but she brought her purse! A girl always has to be prepared.

I smile lovingly at my little girl. "Momma look my purse."
"Nice, um...let's go inside? Momma picked you some raspberries."
"Mmmm raspberries? Okay momma." Replies Alice still clutching her little orange purse tightly. Oh my big girl is still an exhibitionist but she is growing up...Awwww...I am so proud.

Scared of Halloween

The sun is hot the air is heavy with humidity and I am running into the Dollar Store to pick up a few little toys for the kids to keep them occupied on our quickly approaching summer vacation. We leave in two days for a week on Cape Cod. Thoughts of cool ocean waves, soft sand, and icy gin and tonics dance in my head. I am giddy with anticipation. I throw open the door and glide into the store I am Ester Williams dancing in the water. Suddenly I feel my heart and body sink and my happy mood is drowned by a terrible sight. There on the shelves! Halloween! On the walls Halloween. Every where I look witches, pumpkins, skulls, skeletons, grave stones? Where are the beach balls, kites, and bubbles? Have I been in an accident? Have I missed the rest of summer, back to school, and my own 40th birthday? Is it the end of October already? Have I been sucked into an alien worm hole? Am I dreaming?

I slap myself hard across the face. Nothing...still Halloween. This sounds insane even more crazy than alien worm holes. Is it possible that the store has decided to start selling Halloween decorations in July? Seriously people, July? I get freaked out when the back to school sales start. However I know some of you moms are type A and need to start back to school shopping a full month before school actually starts. That's okay we all have our issues. But Halloween? Halloween is on the night of the last day of October so the Holiday is basically the first day of November. What's next Turkeys? Santa?

Why do we let them decide when we buy stuff? Can't we just simply enjoy what's left of my summer. My calendar tells me that I have 2 days and four weeks left. That's a actually 33 days! That's a third of the entire summer. After all of our rain I actually feel like this is the first true week of summer that we have had. Last night was the fist time we turned on our air conditioner. I am not ready for sweaters and long sleeved shirts. I am no way ready for pumpkins and witches. I know one mom can't fight the "man". The big stores keep us all on this crazed turbo hamster wheel trying to speed our lives up...can't we compromise?

More About More To Love

What! How many pounds does the TV add? I am watching More To Love eating some candy that I found on top of the fridge. If dark chocolate is white it's old right...hold on...yup, tastes old...anyway....a girl has to eat what she has on hand. I need chocolate now that I know how fat I actually am.

I am watching the start of this new show about fat girls and I am watching them come out of the limousines. All the girls are overweight, some are chubby, some are big, some are fat, and a few are FAT. What they all have in common is that they all weigh less than me and almost all of the girls are taller. Dear God...please tell me that the T.V. adds 50 pounds?

I am watching now. I know that this experiment is all about not judging people by their size. I know how hard that is. I have spent my life being the fat girl with the pretty face. Well except for the few years that I slimmed down to trap a husband. I was smoking hot! I liked wearing better clothes and having only one chin. But I missed my first lover and best friend food. That's why the second the wedding was over I ballooned right back to normal.

Back to the show. These woman are pretty...Oh my God one of them jumped in the pool! Oooh and that other girl is being catty. Oh and that woman is a back stabber. Okay fat or skinny perhaps these reality shows are all the same? See underneath people are the same. Some are fat, some are skinny, and some are idiots. I;m gonna like this show.

Well I guess it's time to end this. Fromenow on Tuesday is More To Love Day on my blog!

MORE TO LOVE

I am sitting down with a box of Junior Mints to watch Fox's new show More To Love....I'll write my opinions after....

Easy As Pie

I made a pie...sadly mine is the pie that looks like it was driven over by a bus...for years people have been throwing around the saying "Easy as pie" as long as I can remember. After blueberry picking over the weekend I had about 4 extra pounds of blueberries laying around. I like pie and I am always a fan of things that are easy so I decided to make me a pie.

Let me get one things straight. I am not a great cook. Okay I am not even a good cook, but I do faithfully watch the food network. I have watched the Pillsbury Pie Bake Off, the American Pie Challenge, and the Celebration Pie Spectacular. I know all about pie. Right? Wrong.

I decided to surprise my family by whipping up a blueberry pie while they were outside barbecuing dinner. I opened up a few cookbooks. All the recipes were kind of different. I ended up choosing common ingredients that all the recipe shared and then estimating the amounts. I threw it all in a bowl whirled it around and plopped it in a pre made pie crust. I carefully rolled out the pre made pie crust top and then sealed up the pie and made slits just like on TV. This was so easy and fun!

Okay my braiding and scrunching was messy and I forgot what I was supposed to brush on top. I checked the pie crust box to see what I was supposed to brush it with only to read that I was supposed to precook the bottom crust. The bottom crust that is now filled with blueberry pie fillings. CRAP! I forgot about the top and just shoved the pie in the over.

About 5 minutes later my house was filled with smoke and smelled of burnt sugar. Later 2 friends told me that homemade pies burp...or as I call it, barf their contents out when you bake them. This never happened on the Food Network. I put a baking pan under the nauseated pie and hoped for the best.

As you can guess when the timer dinged we removed a sad slightly smoky pie from our soiled oven. Once the pie cooled we cut the first piece. I imagined what the judges table at the Pillsbury Pie Bake Off would say. They would murder this already sick pie. They would comment on the soupy filling, the burnt ugly crust, and the odd smoky flavor. Perhaps they would comment to each other on the sly. "You know pie isn't as easy as people think."

The Naked Truth

I was in the coed family locker room with my friend last week when I realized that she was one of them. You know there are two types of women those who do and those who don't. She is one of them, the women who get naked out in the open. I am the other kind of woman. The kind who changes in the bathrooms stalls, under her clothes, or even in a locker if she has to.

Let me get this straight I am not a shrinking violet, I am not a prude...I believe in the personal freedom of letting your the flesh fly I am just prefer to keep my flesh caged and covered. Let me say for the record that I don't have a problem with seeing public nakedness. I just have a problem with seeing my friend's nakedness.

Why? Because I love my friends and I don't want anything to ever ruin our friendship...anything like...ummm... me seeing their special womanly parts...you know I am talking about the v-word.

This has happened before I good friend and I were in the women's locker room after water aerobics. One minute we are chit chatting then the next minute she drops her towel and there she is. I don't know where to look so I look down at the ground...but on the way down...what do I see....Vagina! Once you look. You can't unlook. Image uploaded and burned into my brain....Then for weeks afterwards every time I talked to her I kept having flash backs. Vagina vagina vagina... I have an extremely visual memory. Once images are burned in I can't erase them.

The next week she is on the phone talking to me about a play date to the zoo and I am thinking....vagina-vagina-vagina. I am a freak! I know...I am so ashamed....

If you are buck naked in the locker room and you see me don't come over and talk to me....I won't here a word you say. I'll just be thinking....vagina vagina vagina!