Lost & Found

This morning the three of us are driving to the YMCA to go to Alice's ballet class. We are on time and I have coffee, life is good. Then Dylan asks where his shoes are.

"On your feet?" I reply.
"No."
"No? Where are your shoes?"
"I don't know."
"Didn't you put them on before we left the house?"
"No, you never told me too."
"What do you mean I never....breath... Don't you know to put on shoes before we leave the house?"
"Yeah, well I couldn't find them. Now we'll have to drive home."
"No. No time to go home. But I think I have an idea."

I walk the kids into the YMCA. I stop at the desk to pay them the dollar we owe them for Alice's stolen tomatoes yesterday. Then I walk right over to the Lost And Found closet and start rummaging around.

"Mom what are you doing?"

I dig through winter coats, baseball mitts, bathing suits, lunch bags, finally SHOES! I pull out a pair of red Crocs that look about Dylan size. I hand them to him.

"Here you go."
"Mom you can't steal shoes!"
I am not stealing we are borrowing. You'll wear these while we are here today and we'll bring them back tomorrow."
"Oh mom....hey they fit....mom you are so smart!"
"I know."

We run up stairs to Alice class with time to spare. Sometimes I even impress myself.

A Regular Day

Some days I honestly think that my life is a hidden camera show. We walk in to the YMCA 20 minutes late to meet my good friend. We see cups of cherry tomatoes on the counter. Alice grabs a cup. I see a sign that says that the tomatoes cost $1.00. Then I look down at Alice who is busy licking all of the tomatoes in her cup. My wallet is in the car. I am late. I look around. No one seems to have noticed. No one is pointing at Alice or calling security. I grab the cup and shove it in my bag. I will pay them a dollar tomorrow.

We get to the locker room and Dylan tells me that he has no bathing suit. Crap! I thought that he was already wearing a bathing suit. He is wearing nylon basket ball shorts. Hmm they kind of look like a bathing suit. I take off his shirt and say. "Okay now your shorts are a bathing suit."

Alice refused to wear clothes over her bathing suit so she is all set. I am still wearing shorts and a tee-shirt. In our YMCA in order to get to the outdoor pool you have to walk out of the locker room through the entire indoor pool area. Today is hot and I am not in the mood to strut down the fat walk today. I am already sweating in unpleasant places. I walk the kids through the pool area and outside to where I see my friend.

I find us some chairs and begin to take off my camouflage. Alice seizes the opportunity and jumps in the pool before she showers. Darn that's two strikes against my mothering skills today. I take Dylan over to the outdoor shower and see a guy with a huge movie sized camera on the lawn. I try hiding behind Dylan. He is about four feet tall and weighs 58 pounds. I don't think the guy is taping but I can't take any chances. I don't leave the shower area until the camera guy leaves. Then I shower and Dylan and I head over to the pool. Dylan jumps in and I feel drops on my head. Could Dylan's splash be so big? More drops. It's sprinkling.

I get in to the pool and swim over to my friend and her son. I whisper "it's raining."

"Shut-Up! " She yells. "Will they close the pool?"

"They have before, but only when their is thunder."

We both look up at the gray cloudy sky. This does not look promising. We reassure each other that the showers are simply passing then we swim with our kids. We swim for about 15 minutes. Before the sky opens up and the rain starts pouring. Our towels, clothes, her carriage are getting wet. Then we hear the grumbling.

I swim over again. "Did you hear that?"

"Yeah."

"Perhaps they have a drum circle here?"

"No."

"Target range?"

"Nope."

"Everybody you have to leave the pool. Sorry you all have to get out." My friend and I give each other exasperated looks. Getting kids out of the house and ready for swimming is a chore. We both decide that we have spent at least 30-45 minutes getting these kids ready to swim for only 15. Now we all have soggy towels, clothes, children, and attitudes. We try to make the best of our situation. We sit in our chairs and let the sky rain on us. All of us are already wet.

"Excuse me ladies. You can't sit here. You have to leave the pool area." Seriously...am I on a hidden camera show? This is all a joke right? Right? All of our towels are wet, the kids have no change of clothes. I have no underwear and I have to wear a bra at all times. I don't want to go there. Just trust me on this one! The indoor pool is being used by the camp and off limits. Basically we have to go home. I put my clothes over my wet bathing suit and drag the kids to the car. We are all so wet and the car is so hot and humid that we steam up the windows. We are all uncomfortable and miserable. Strike three! I am out!

Pirates Are Driving Me Crazy!

"No Momma! I no going!" Alice screams as I shove her into the car and buckle her in. She whines and protests all the way to the pirate cruise dock in Plymouth harbor. An hour drive that shaved about 600 days off of my life. I get to the harbor ready to ditch the kids and find the first bar.

Then my luck changes. I park the car and am approached by a nice guy holding a fishing rod. He is leaving the parking lot and has paid for the whole day. He hands me his parking pass. Free parking? Maybe the day will be okay?

I grab my 3 bags out of the car. What? I've seen Gilligan's Island I know that our cruise is only for an hour, but I need to be prepared just in case.... I have snacks, juice, first aid kit, change of clothing, motion sickness pills for the kids, and about 40 other essentials. Hey if we get lost on a deserted island for years people will thank me for having this crap. Seriously, all this stuff is in case Alice freaks out. She has never been on a boat before and I want to be prepared. I should have packed tranquilizers....do they make them for kids?

Alice is still sad and proclaiming that she hates boats and that she is not going. I am assuming that if she refuses to go Dylan can go and I can stay with her. When we walk to the dock where Alice sees the other kids and the boat I witness a miracle. Suddenly she is smiling. My Alice smiles and her tear stained eyes are sparkling with joy. She runs and plays with the other kids and even lets me dress her in a pirate shirt.

Dylan on the other hand is so excited about the cruise that he would have run all the way to Plymouth and most likely beaten the car. He is wearing all of our play jewelry, he asked if he could use my jewelry. The good stuff in my jewelry box. But after I was done laughing I said no. He settles for a bandanna, and my heavy wooden chest where we keep our maps (which he promised to back in the living room when we get home). You know he'll need a wooden chest in case he finds pirate's gold. He did agree to leave the treasure chest in the car.

The rest of the group arrives and we pay at the ticket booth where the kids get pirate face paint and hats. Then we board the ship. I did have a heck of a time carrying three bags and Alice down the steep plank down to the boat. I am the only dork with luggage, but hey, as long as Alice is happy I am good!

We take our seats and we are off for our one hour your. The trip was great! We have fun and the weather is perfect and our tiny ship is not tossed or lost. Thanks to the fearless crew the kids get to attack a little pirate ship and the Mayflower. No pirates or Pilgrims are harmed and a good time was had by all. The kids get treasure and have crab races with live crabs. Dylan holds a lobster and Alice dances in the limbo contest. Who's life is this? Who are these kids?

We eat with friends and I again had those thoughts. The ones about being a great mother with fabulous children. I think how lucky the kids are to have a mother like me. They are going to grow up and be successful and well adjusted...Haven't I learned by now?

The second we get back to the car for our hour trip home the bickering begins. He stole her coin. She kicked his foot. He opened his window. She won't let him open the treasure box. All I know is that the back of my car sounds like a ultimate fighter cage battle. Screaming, crying, crashing, ripping, and other terrifying sounds. I try to calm them down but they have had root beer, lemonade, candy, and cup cakes. They are tired after an exciting big day while crashing from severe sugar highs. I know they have lost their minds and they just need to get home and go to bed. I know that, but I am still thinking that I am a terrible mother. For sure these kids are going to spend their lives in group therapy trying to recover from their horrible childhoods. Heck I am going to need group therapy trying to recover from being involved in their childhood.

Okay maybe I'm not so bad...I am right. They are now both asleep. They hit their pillows and passed out. Our day started and ended stressful, but the middle was great. As far as being a mom goes that's pretty good.

Auctions Anonymous

You know me. I like to shop and I love a bargain. Couple that with the fact that I hardly have any impulse control add in an auction paddle and you have yourself a bona fide disaster. A few years ago my husband and friends had to stage an auction intervention.

A group of us were in the habit of attending the monthly Salvation Army auctions in Boston. These auctions sold all of the best items cherry picked from the cities many Salvation Army donation sites. None of us had kids so we could make a day of it. We'd go early and survey the goods. I would salivate as I fondled the pottery then move on to the jewelry. Oh the jewelry. I'd try to stay calm as I carefully caressed the delicate earrings and sparkling rings. Then I would be dragged away by Dave to take our place in the audience. Every time we sat down I would promise that I would let Dave do the bidding and behave. Every time, I mean every time I would fail. I would start getting that itchy feeling and yearn for the paddle. I'd ask nicely, beg, threaten, then eventually I would wrestle Dave to the ground in the hopes of grabbing that darn paddle. Dave being a gentleman would give in and give me the paddle every time, yes every time. I'd of course go insane and over bid for all kinds of crap that I didn't need. Like the set of antique copper cookie cutters that I paid $70.00 for. The set that I later saw being sold at William Sonoma for a fraction of that price. Such poor judgement led to the intervention and an end to our auction days.

Well until the online auction two nights ago. Who knew that Goodwill had an online auction site? I was looking around checking things out when I found a beautiful antique looking pendant that might be gold. Oh that itchy feeling came back. I believed the pendant to be an antique gold lavaliere about a hundred years old. The auction was up to $43.00. That is a cheap price for an antique lavaliere so before I could stop myself I bid $44.00. Then I waited to be over bid. I waited and waited. I watched the screen for the last 14 minutes of the auction. With my track record there is a chance that I just bid $44.00 for a .99 cents piece of gold colored metal crap. I watched the seconds tick away. Guess what? I won! No! Darn it! Now I have to tell Dave. I am so ashamed.

When the necklace arrives I'll let you know how I did. I am a little nervous, but even I can't screw up every time, right? Not every time.

That V-Word Revisited

The other night at a BBQ Alice insisted on wearing her Little Mermaid bathing suit. Even though I explained to the girl at least fifteen times that there was not going to be a pool, pond, sprinkler, Slip N' slide, or any other kind of water activities at the party. Pick your battles I always say. Alice wears her bathing suit for half of the party, before she strips down to her diaper. I tackle her before she can get herself completely naked. As I am wrestling with her on the grass trying to get her into an extra set of clothes I brought. The diaper falls off. Dylan looks over and screams at the top of his lunges. "I saw Alice's vagina!"

In case anyone at the party was hearing impaired or missed his outburst. Being a gentleman he went around and individually told each guest that he had indeed just seen Alice's vagina. Now the kid sees his sister's girl parts daily (she's a nudist). He could care less if he sees them but he has learned that adults give a big reaction when he says the word vagina. Some people laugh, some cringe, most look nervous and uncomfortable. Why? Because of the word.

When I was a kid my mother never said the word. Heck my doctor never even said the word. I of course never ever dared to say the word. Growing up Irish Catholic all I knew about my part down there was that I was never suppose to talk about it, ask questions about it, look at it, touch it or even think about touching it in any way. I learned that it was best to simply forget that I had one all together.

At college the first time I heard the word Vagina spoken out loud I stood back and waited for the lightening to strike. But nothing happened. Perhaps a vagina is just any other body part? When I had kids I decided that we should call our body parts by their names. That is what they are called.

However Vagina still freaks people out. After all of these years the name still makes me a bit uncomfortable. May it is the word itself? Doesn't vagina sounds kind of sinister. Like, Vagina the evil vampire queen. While Penis is a cute friendly sounding word. Here comes little Joey the paperboy and his dog Penis. The word choices seem unfair. As my friends and I sat at the BBQ laughing over my sons newest escaped. We discussed substitute words that we all use for our female parts. There seems to be the need for a good nickname for our most important part. What do you use? Va-jay-jay, vagina, flower, thingy, girl-part? Do you a name you made up? I'd love to know.

Me and My Pirate

This is the week! The week that my little pirate has been waiting for his whole life. Well if you ask him that is what he will say. His whole tortured 6-year old life will finally have joy and true meaning. All because Alice and I have agree to dress up like pirates and go with him on a pirate cruise. ARG!

We went out and bought head scarves and jolly roger shirts. We along with a large group of Franklin moms will be attacking the Plymouth harbor on Wednesday. Beware, we will be armed with cameras, healthy snacks, and army of plastic sword waving miniature pirates. ARG!

I am hoping that making Dylan's pirate dream come true will actually stop him from complaining that he is bored and that he never does anything fun. Perhaps if they let him actually make another kid walk the plank he might stop whining all together. That's crazy...we can't make a kid walk the plank. The kid's mother would kick my butt. What if they let Dylan fire the cannon at leisure ships? The ship will have live ammunition right? This is a pirate cruise. We'll get to board other vessels and steal their stuff right? What else will we do on a pirate cruise? Get tattoos?