History Lessons

I am watching the TV coverage of Ted Kennedy's body being driven from Cape Cod to Boston in the living room.

"Mommy? What are you watching?"

"Oh, a very important man died."

"What was his name?"

"Ted Kennedy, he was our Senator."

"On my gosh! Our Senator is dead."

"Do you know what a Senator is?"

"No"

"Each state has two senators who go to Washington to help run the government."

"Is are other Senator dead too?"

"No he is still alive."

"Well at least we still have one...Is he in that car?" He asked pointing to the black hurst on the TV screen.

"The Senator who died?"

"No, the other guy."

"I don't know where the other guy is. Ted Kennedy's body is that car." I say pointing to the TV.

"On my gosh. That's so weird! Why didn't they just bury him in the ground?"

"Because he is so important that they are bringing his body to Boston for a big funeral. All of the presidents are going to be there."

"Is George Washington going to be there?"

"No just the ones who are alive."

"Abraham Lincoln."

"He's dead too"

"Alfred Einstein?"

"No sweety his name is Albert Einstein and was not a president."

"Well can't he still go?"

"No he is dead."

"Why is everyone dead!"

"Well Barack Obama isn't dead and he's coming."

"Barack Obama! He is coming here!"

"Yes!"

"Is he coming here to our house? Or just to Franklin!"

"No honey he is coming here to our state. He'll be in Boston at the funeral."

"What funeral?"

"Ted Kennedy's funeral"

"Who the heck is Ted Kennedy?"

Divaliscous!

I have a secret that I have been keeping from you. I love to sing. I mean sing. I am a closet diva. I can be heard daily belting out opera in the shower and crooning in the kitchen. I sing all day long. Back in college in olden times before ipods and American Idol I was known as a pretty good singer. I would sing with friends and show off my pipes at kareoke nights at our local college dive bars. After college I sang at open mike nights at coffee shops and with my sister for our friends. Before children I even sang with the church & local town choirs.
For some reason I stopped singing in public. I think perhaps the decision had to do with my kids. From a young age they started saying things to me like. "Stop singing!" They would cover their ears and scream. "Momma Stop that!" "I hate when you sing!" Not good for a diva's self esteem. Horrible in fact. I started to wonder if I was tone deaf. Maybe I couldn't hear how bad I really sound? Like those poor people on American Idol? You know the ones who suck and think that they are the next Mariah Carey.
Fast forward to last night. My girl friends and I are at our local Applebees having a few cocktails and coincidentally it is kareoke night. After much pushing and convinces they talked me into singing a song. I reluctantly go get the song book. I can't do this. The last time I have sung kareoke was 1992. I picked a Sara Evans song called Suds In The Bucket. A fun rockin song that I love to sing in the car. I like to sing in the car because the kids are strapped in their seats so they can't stop me. Yes my children actually put their hands over my mouth when I sing. They claim that my voice hurts their ears.
When the DJ guy called my name I almost passed out. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking. What if the crowd starts covering there ears and screaming. "Stop singing!" "No singing momma!" I walked over to the bar and have some kind of outer body experience. Was I really doing this? Was I crazy? Why didn't I have more drinks? But I couldn't let my girl friends down. I promised them.
The guy hands me the microphone and the screen lites up. I hear this voice singing and in key. I realize that I am singing. My body goes on some kind of auto pilot. I look around and people are smiling. My friends are smiling from ear to ear and one of them even whips out a camera. I am getting into the song and dancing around. People are hooting and clapping along. I finish the song to loud applause and quickly hide behind my friends. Did I really just let my sparkle-fabulous diva flag fly free at Applebees? When I was done being horrified and embarrassed I felt good. I felt great! My friends showered me with compliments. Maybe I should let my secret diva out every once and a while. My kids will get over it. Their is always therapy.

Summer Break-Down Part Duex

Five days and I have survived another summer. I would like to thank Breyers the makers of  low carb ice-cream, Quaker mini cheese rice cakes, and Minute Maid light lemonade. I couldn't have done it with out you.

I would also like to thank my friends. With out their love and support I would have been wearing a straight jacket by July. This summer will go down in history as the summer of laundry. Why? Because the summer started out in a washing machine pouring rain and agitating. Then the last few weeks were like a dryer. Extremely hot, humid, and spinning out of control.

The summer started with such promise. The kids and I spent the first day of their summer vacation on a local beach swimming in a pond with friends. I was giddy with anticipation of a perfect summer. Then the next day it rained. Then the next day and the next day...and for the next 32 days. This summer the rain came down 62 out of 92 days. Drowning my hopes and dreams for a happy summer. However the rain did provide a chance for the kids to go stir crazy, fight, and basically go completely berserk. My house will never be clean again. You know me I deal with stress by eating....I will never see my toes again.

The good news is that this summer did dry out. In fact the summer went from cold and wet to hot and humid over night. The kids and I escaped from the house the second I was done shaving my summer leg hair growth and fled to to the beach. I was shaved, but I barely fit in my bathing suit. All of the stress from our captivity was evident on my fat ass. The beach was beautiful but the heat was brutal. Fat people do not do well in the heat and humidity. We sweat in unpleasant places. After a week of 90 degree weather I missed the rain. I missed my sanity. I also missed the perfect summer that I had imagined. The summer that was advertized in magazine ads and clothing catalogs. The smiling happy families frolicking on the beach. The moms in those ads never have a double chin or sweat stains. The kids never fight and scream and throw sand at each other.

This was the summer of too much rain, too much heat, and no money to make it all better. I hate to feel sorry for myself, but someone has got to do it. Lets just say it sucked and call it a summer.

THANK YOU

Senator Edward Kennedy, 1932-2009

Today is a sad day in Massachusetts and for me. I loved this man.  The world has lost a true hero. My prayers and thoughts go out to his family.

Summer Break-Down

• 100,000 Number of fights the kids had
• 50,000 Number of times I yelled at the kids daily
• 2,000 Number of  new gray hairs on my head
• 100 Number of pounds I am now over weight
• 62 Numbers of days it rained
• 0 Number of pay checks coming in 

First time ever I lost my whole blog....here is the break-down of what I said. I have to go eat cookies now.

 

The Audacity Of Nope

We are all friends here so I am going to share a secret. I have not had my period for most of the summer. No I am not on one of those new birth control devices with the obnoxious commericals. I am not on any form of birth control. Seriously, I have not used any kind of birth control since Alice was born. She turns four in November. I guess you could say that my husband and I have a passive aggressive attitude toward procreating.

Dave and I wouldn't mind another child if one happen to find its way into my belly. We are simply not trying too prevent a pregnancy. In case one should come along.

Hence when I didn't have my period I got a little excited and terrified. Excited because I love being pregnant and I do love naming things. Terrified because if you have read any of my previous blogs you will will understand that Dave and I should never have been allowed to get a dog none the less raise a child. Raising two children has turned my hair gray and put me on the cusp of requiring serious psychotropic drugs. Raising a third child would render me catatonic shaking like a Chihuahua in a pool of melted ice-cream. Knowing all of this I was still hoping that I might be pregnant.

Dave brought me home a pregnancy test from Walmart. A generic pregnancy test kit, with two tests. In case there are two of you? Wow, so like Molly & Polly to take them together after study hall? Or are there two in case someone is too dumb and can not figure out how to pee on a stick? Should I be trusting a generic pregnancy test made for teenagers and idiots?

I grab the kit and run into the bathroom before the kids see me. I would like some privacy. I pee on the stick and wait. One window is smudged blue and one window has a blue line...OMG I might be pregnant? Is a blue smudge the same as a blue line? I read the directions...my result is inconclusive because I have some how screwed up the test. How can I raise three kids if I can't pee on a stick. I bet Molly and Polly figured it out. I hang my head in shame.

Alice walks in. "Momma? What's that?"
"Nothing." I say and throw the stick in the trash.
"Can I have that thing?"
"No. Absolutely not! Well, maybe after you finish medical school."
I go out and tell Dave that I am an idiot. Then I drink lemonade hoping to fill my bladder in record time. Then I recall that the best time to take a test is in the morning. The next day I get up before everyone else. I tip toe down stairs and grab the test off of the bathroom shelf. I ambivalently open up the plastic and remove the plastic stick. Do I want to see two lines? I imagine holding a new baby. They are always so warm and my heart melts when they make those soft cooing sounds. Oh and their feathery hair and rosy cheeks. I want a two lines.

I pee on the stick. I put the white test on the window sill and stare. Nothing happens so I let my eyes drift over to wet leaves sparkling in the sun. The woods look so beautiful, magical...crap! My eyes snuck a peek at the test. Their is still one line. Shouldn't the other line be there by now? I go make coffee. Then I come back and peak in the bathroom. Still one line. I pick up the test and drop it with a clank into the trash can where it lands next to the other one. I go back to the kitchen dry my tears and drink coffee.
The kids eventually come down and start the morning chaos. Then Dave comes down.
"Did you take the test?"
"Yep"
"We'll?"
"Nope."
"Nope?"
"Yep."

I finish my coffee and start the day.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Like all parents through out the country I am giddy with delight. In eight days my wildest dreams will come true. My darling son and daughter go back to school! I am celebrating all week! That is why this week is back to school week on Lydia Oh Lydia.