Friday, December 4, 2009
My kids and I were looking forward to the stroll, I love our town’s quaint holiday traditions and they love free candy. I thought that the stroll started at 6:30, but around five we were driving through town on the way home from a friend’s house and heard Christmas music, saw tables of cookies in front of the stores with cookies and balloons. Not wanting to miss a minute of the festivities I pulled over the car immediately nearly knocking over a beautifully lit potted pine tree as I parked right in the center of all the action on Main Street. The kids and I jumped out of the car grabbed a swag bag from the back and headed on down the sidewalk.
We went to a few holiday clad businesses; the frame store, the quilt shop, and the coffee house gleefully spreading cheer and filling the bag with free candy and spoils. The kids were eating as many cookies as Santa, but we didn’t eat dinner; cookies are kind of healthy right? They have milk, eggs, and flour; but the sugar. Ah the sugar. In about thirty minutes the kids were like whirling dervishes. What are whirling dervishes? If they are like cranked up kids running up and down sidewalks crowded with people holding cups of scalding cups of cocoa; then I think that I saw two tonight. The good news is that my kids were only two of the fifty or so frenzied kids buzzing around our once save and quiet streets like killer bees.
The kids kept bumping into friends and school mates at each store and getting more and more overexcited. We were going to go see Santa soon at the furniture store so I wanted to get the kids away from their friends and calm down a bit before we saw old Saint Nick. I walked them over to a new out of the way store. We walked in and I realized that this wasn’t a store but a boutique. This store had velvet couches a chandelier and racks of very expensive clothing. They also had refreshments not a cookie or a cocoa to be seen. This store had sushi, gourmet pizza, imported cheese, fancy crackers, a fruit platter, wine and Italian sodas. Oh did I forget to mention that they had huge glass vases filled with Starbursts candies and Hershey kisses? We walk in and my son in elbows deep in candy. While I am busy confiscating the candy from my son’s greedy fists, Alice is stuffing her face with pizza; too bad that this was caramelized onion goat cheese pizza. Alice takes one bite gags and starts looking for a place to spit out. I let go of Dylan’s hands sending candy flying all over the floor as I try to run over to Alice. I get to her just as she starts to spit out her chewed up pizza. I scream the cliché slow motion “NOOOO!” as I try to put my hand over her mouth a millisecond too late. The refuse falls mostly on the floor but a tiny glob goes right into one of the many cheeses.
I see the proprietor’s enchanting holiday grin turn into a scowl. She stomps over and starts removing the food and dumping it in to the trash mumbling something about the swine flu and killer germs. I didn’t stick around to hear the rest. I start spouting apologies as I grabbed the kids and run out the door, I run the kid’s over to Santa at the furniture store, and straight into our local Mexican restaurant to have a huge margarita. Bah humbug!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
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Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
You were too young the first time you brought it up to your lips. You didn’t understand the danger. Anyway everyone else was doing it so how bad could it really be? Bad. Real bad. You liked the way it made you feel. You felt calm, at ease, somehow comforted. You became a regular user. Then you became a heavy user you needed them night and day. Pretty soon you’d never be seen without one hanging out of your mouth. Years pass and the others have quit. You know that you should too but you just can’t. You try cutting back, it works for a while then the cravings took over. Your usage gradually crept back up until you were sneaking them in your mouth behind your families back. They beg you to quit, they point out the health risks and the social stigmas but you simply can’t. Your addiction is just too strong, the compulsion is too powerful, and again and again you are brought to tears.
Oh cunning Binky why are you ruining my life!
Binky returned in September. I am guessing that it had something to do with my getting a part-time job or with her new school? Anyway binky is back and we are despondent and discouraged. Will this child go to high school with a pacifier in her mouth? Will her father lift up her wedding veil in order to remove her binky before she says her vows? We are starting to wonder. We have tried the binky-fairy, giving the binkies’ away to babies, giving the binky only at nighttime; we read the books; Bye Bye Binky, Pacifiers No More, No More Nuk, AA’s Twelve Steps for Toddlers, and countless videos. We are coming to our wits end.
The main reason for my strong reaction to my daughter’s binky Jones is the fact that her teeth are already damage. She can actually stick part of her tongue through the hole in her teeth. Dave and I knew that she was going to need braces eventually, but she is only four and her smile is destroyed. Shhh don’t tell Grandma Alice because she will kill me for letting Alice Jr. ruin her teeth. We are such bad parents.
Well we were bad parents. The day before Thanksgiving I was online looking up toddler dental issues and found an article about the true devastation binky sucking can have on a child’s mouth. I thought that the effects were only aesthetic. Oh contraire, binky sucking sucks! She could have permanently stunted the growth of her lower jaw, stretched her upper jaw/pallet, and shortened her cheek muscles. I read this horrible article and ran out into the kitchen and started cutting up all of the binkies with scissors.
Alice started screaming and flailing as if she was on fire. She screeched, shrieked, and caterwauled. She kicked, stamped, and banged every surface of the house. A few hours in Dave and I were hiding in the bathroom rocking back and forth sucking on our own binkies. Seriously, Dave was upstairs looking for earplugs and I was in the kitchen pouring cocktails. After a few hours of Linda Blair quality tantruming, Alice lay in a catatonic state on the kitchen floor. Poor thing looked like a demented starfish. She is still lying there today…no she was eventually fine. We now only have one binky in the house. A binky that has only a little plastic nub left on it. She doesn’t seem to mind she has been sucking away. I cut a little bit off every day. Pretty soon she’ll be done. Well at least that is what I hope. Binkies suck!