my house off of the show Hoarders. My husband is still working in Ohio leaving me alone in this lion
cage wearing a meatsuit. I know that sounds dramatic, but I am teeter totting on the edge of crazy here. I have a perfect metaphor for my life.
A few nights ago Dave was home in bed trying to sleep. He couldn’t sleep and had to get up at 4:00am to go to Ohio so he was in a horrible mood. I waited until he fell asleep so that I didn’t have to hear him grumble and mumble. When I hear him grumble and mumble I start to give him advice for all of the hundred and fourteen ways that he could help himself fall sleep. Of course receiving unsolicited advice just exacerbates the grumbling and mumbling into bed thrashing and lashing out at me and all my helpfulness.
I go up to bed at 1:00am to find Dave wide eyed and frowning. I get into bed and start to read in order to keep my mouth shut. Eventually I fall asleep, I am not sure when Dave falls asleep. However when Alice climbs into bed with us the clock reads 2:17am. For some reason Alice’s smelly blankie needs to be in my face. I start to nod off in a cloud of what smells like pee, chocolate milk, and shampoo, and am jarred awake by what feels like ants crawling on my face. After the 3rd time I realize that blankie’s fringe is near my check and every time Alice moves her hand the blankie’s fringe tickles my check. I move blankie and fall asleep again to feel a mosquito biting my forehead. I jolt awake to find Alice giggling. She has a new game. I scold her and turn my back to her and move over to get the dog’s claws scratching my bare legs. I am sandwiched between then and I don’t have the leverage to lift the dog up out of the bed without waking Dave. I try kicking at her, but Dave starts muttering, and she is crisscrossing my legs with her doggy scissor hands and she has 2 pairs!
I just want to sleep! I escape the scratching by pushing my back into Alice who now starts pulling my hair. I look at the clock it reads 2:56am. I eventually fall asleep, hair loss and all.
I am awakened by a kiss from my prince Charming saying goodbye. He is leaving for his trip. I scissor kick the dog off of the bed with sinful pleasure. I hear the dog retreating to Dave’s restricted leather chair. I am so tired I let her stay there. I fall asleep…until I hear the dog’s tags jingling in the hall. My eyes tweak open and I run out into the hall to find a warm pee spot. I scream and throw the dog out of the house. I go back up to bed. The clock reads 5:42 am. I fiddle with the alarm clock and change the alarm from 6:45 to 7:45 and go back to bed.
6:14 I am awakened by the dog barking to get back in the house.
6:55 I am awakened by Dylan asking if 6:55 he can go use my computer.
7:23 Alice is jumping up and down on me yelling. “Momma! It’s morning time! Stop sleeping!”
7:35 I am down stairs making strong coffee.
7:45 Alarm goes off.
8:00 Alice starts screaming and crying for binkie, that is now only for night-night time.
8:55 Driving Dylan late to school (Alice crying).
9:15 Alice is in full tilt tantrum.
11:35 Alice stops crying and mommy starts.
12:30 Alice goes to school and mommy debates buying a box of wine.
1:00 Daddy calls to say hi and end up listening to hysterical crazy sobbing mommy.
1:30 Write letter of resignation....don't know where to send it too.
2:30 Go to doctor's appointment at the wrong time.
3:05 Pick up Alice late from school.
3:15 Pick up Dylan on time from school! First victory of the day.
3:30 Put on my big girl panties and start to think that perhaps I might live through this day.
