Failure

Where does the time go? I am sitting here a few hours before my brother-in-law’s rehearsal dinner. My hair is up in bobby pins, because when I asked my husband if I should wear my hair curly or straight to the rehearsal dinner. He said, “Curly? Your hair is naturally curly, unless you going to do pin curls or something?” Yes, he said pin curls. How does any man who is under 80 years old even know what a pin curl even is? Yes, I am going to put in pin curls right before I hitch my nylons to my garters and put on my girdle. You know my husband is really an old man in a middle age man’s body; he was an old man in a toddler’s body. So the use of such an old fashion word doesn’t faze me anymore. You know me; after my shower I immediately tried to put my hair in pin curls just for fun and to mock him. I’ll let you know how it turns out.


So here I sit with many items to catch you up on. First I fell off the wagon. Sniff Sniff, no I don’t want to hear “I told you so” comments. But send if you must. My big issue was juicing too long and not having a firm after plan. The weekend after the fast I went on a retreat to the candy castle. Yes, every room had huge jars filled with candy. I mean like gallon sized jars. Also there was dessert after lunch and dinner, and cookies and milk at 9:00pm. I am talking like CD sized cookies in multiple varieties. I never got close enough to see what kinds. I spent all three days perfect! I lived on fresh fruit and salad.

I think that was the problem. I was so good that when I got home I allowed myself to have some gluten free bread. Little tiny pieces of bread with vegan butter-like spread. I learned that any bread or bread like substances makes my sugar crazed monster come to life. I ended up eating 4 or 5 pieces. The second mistake I weighed myself the next morning. 2 POUNDS! I freaked out.

I Tried to be good all day then allowed myself some oatmeal. Bad mistake! I ate raw unprocessed oatmeal, fresh from Whole foods. My body was craving it like crazy. What’s that about? I made my 3rd mistake. I stepped on the scale the next day and another 2 POUNDS! I FREAKED! 4 POUND GAIN?

Then I was feeling weak and bought gluten free corn bread. Thought perhaps it would be better for me then the regular gluten free bread? NO I ate a half a loaf and it wasn’t even good. That led to more oatmeal and my sad unforgivable cookie ambush. I go to a meeting that night for my mother-in-law’s church Christmas Bazaar and I walk into a bakery. The leader of our group made whoopee pies, mint chocolate chip cookies, regular chocolate chip cookies, and sugar cookies all decorated fro Christmas, and my mother’s specialty caramel, chocolate nut bars. Last year none of the meetings had food. I was so caught off guard and those are some of my favorite cookies in the world. I stumbled. Before I could stop myself I had stuffed a caramel nut bar in my mouth. I had an out of body experience. It was like “Who put this in my mouth?”

Then it was on. The monster was fed and the insanity began. I was in a sugar tail spin that spun in to a sugar tornado. By the end of the meeting I had eaten each type of cookie at least once. I drove home so sick that I once I got there I used up the last ounce of energy climbing the stairs. I flopped pathetically onto the bed and lay their-I just lay on my bed like a-I have to say it beached whale. That’s how I felt. I would not have been able to get back to sea without the help of many volunteers and extensive netting.

Then YES I DID, 5 POUNDS! My total of shame 9 pounds gained back. My double chin has arrived back just in time for the wedding weekend. I am giving myself a guilt free pass for the rest of this weekend. That doesn’t mean I am eating bonbons 24-7. It means I am not going to freak out if there are already butter on the vegetables or berate myself for eating a small piece of wedding cake.

Then Monday I start again. I am also biting the bullet and ditching the juicer and buying myself a Vitamix. I am looking on Craig’s List and on Ebay for a deal.

OK so now I am done and my family is in the living room. Dylan is naked sitting on a chair. Alice is next to me still wet from the bath and Dave has put Fat Albert on the TV. I LOVE ROKU!