Today I solved a huge mystery that has been baffling me for about a month. My mystery is the fact that someone has magically made me gain 20 pounds since my big juice fast. Yes 20 pounds! One morning my jeans were getting too loose the next morning they were tight and this poufy flab was billowing over the waistline. Or should I say pillowing? I mean I ate holiday treats but I didn’t eat a whole 20 pound turkey.

My naughtiest dream would be a HUGE Toblerone Bar

The other day I was going through all of my receipts for the year. No I am not balancing my budget or financially organized in anyway. Dave asked me to keep the receipts so we can itemize our medical expenses for our taxes. I start going over the receipts. I start seeing a pattern of snacking. It starts slow; I find my trail of snacks. First I find an occasional little bag of trail mix, a small can of mixed nuts, a granola bar, on it could have been lunch time, and I don’t freak out over the receipts. Then I notice Doritos, Twix bars, and whole boxes of cookies. I would buy my little treats and eat them in the car. I deserved a treat for all of my exhausting shopping and traumatic life right? Why does allowing one’s self a smattering of pseudo health foods lead to outright forbidden crap food? Is this what the war on drugs was trying to teach us all of those years ago? Remember those countless public service announcements; that smoking a little pot will lead to worse drugs? The theory is that once you open the door to drugs or crap food, my drug of choice, you run the risk of going insane, like waking up on the street with a needle in your arm, or in my case finding receipts for bags of Lindt truffles and large Toblerone bars. These were always bought for others in good faith, then stress & exhaustion would have me sneaking into the kitchen once the family was asleep. Some of you might know how that works. I open the bag and just eat one and a half an hour later the bag is empty. The funny thing is that once the wrappers are in the trash it is so easy to forget you ate anything. No proof no calories. Yeah, well I have a basket filled with little slips of proof in front of me and twenty pounds of proof around my middle. Case solved and closed. No more buying mommy drugs at the store. I am back to keeping apples & almonds in my purse.

Progress today I called and made all of my appointments today! My lap band doctor (if you didn’t know I’ll catch you up when I go there next month). I made an appointment with my primary doctor to talk about getting a nutritionist, my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and my rubber legs (I’ll talk more about this later too). Most importantly I scheduled to have my hair colored & cut, and wait for it….I am getting a facial and waxing. My pours are becoming dangerous pot holes & my eye brows are ferocious.