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| The Miracle Lapband! |
Okay so in case anyone doesn’t know I had Lapband surgery in 2008. The fact that I have to tell you about the surgery is an indication of how well it worked, or didn’t work. Well not yet, what is four years of failure. Heck, I’ve been failing at diets for 35 years, what a measly four more? I did have a lot of problems with the Lapband. The problem was that I realized that I could basically eat whatever I wanted as long as I chewed it long enough. Problem two was that I was eating too fast and too much resulting in ugliness. What happens is that the food gets stuck on top of the band and must come back up. Enough said. There was a lot of acid reflux; I ended up in a lot of pain, not to mention that I had to learn how to barf secretly in public. A lot of ugliness with little weight loss results.
I am a mother and five star certified martyr so I suffered with Lapland issues for 4 years before I went to the doctor. I honestly thought that the fluid in the band would eventually evaporate. Let me tell you that Lapbands are filled with saline. I was thinking saline like the solution for contact lenses. Then my friend pointed out that it’s the saline like in fake boobies. Since the perky gravity defying softballs don’t deflate over time then my band wouldn’t either. I was having such a hard time over the summer that I went to the doctor in September. I was still on my veggie fruit fast and I was losing a lot of weight and sure that I could win this weight journey on my own. I went there to talk to her about taking the Lapband out and out as fast as possible.
I saw the doctor and she took a lot of the saline out and told me to come back in a month. She warned that I might gain weight back with the band being so open. How dare she? I was a nutrition warrior. I was living on fruits, veggies, and water for goodness sake! I was so over her and her Lapband. I made the appointment just to show her how much weight I could lose in a month.
A month later I had gained 15 pounds and was hiding in my house eating Halloween candy with the shades pulled at the time if my appointment. I had not fallen off the (sugar) wagon, I crashed that wagon through the front of a bakery and ate myself sick for the next month and continued for the rest of the year.
I slunk back to the doctor today with my head hanging low and my fat stomach hanging lower than ever. In 4 months I gained about 25 pounds. TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS. None of my pants fit. I have too many chins and I knew that I had to go give the Lapband one more chance or go out and buy a new wardrobe in unmentionable sizes. I went there and talked to the doctor and the nutritionist. The doctor filled some of the fluid back and they left me with a new exciting plan. The next two days I have to stay on an all liquid diet. Then the big new plan is to eat less and move more. More precisely I need to eat more protein and take the time to prepare and eat 3 balanced meals a day and make time for exercise. As a mother and professional nationally ranked martyr I know that making time for me will be a challenge. On the bright side taking time for myself is my main goal of the year.
It’s 12:47am and I am hungry. Do wine and melted chocolate count as liquids? Kidding.
