Mental Detector

Recently one of my childhood dreams has been realized. No not winning Miss America, or being a NY Times bestselling author, better, I bought a metal detector!  I have always wanted one. As a kid I would watch men with metal detectors combing up and down the State beach in the town of Mashee on Cape Cod. I wanted a metal detector. I imagined all of the treasures; gold, diamonds, nickels, all hidden right below the surface, waiting to be discovered. Fast forward about 36 years I was sitting in front of my computer. I had just reached an unexpected high price for an item I was selling on EBAY. Before I could talk myself out of it I jumped on Amazon.com and bought myself a metal detector.

The machine came about two weeks ago. I am still learning how to use the controls and perfect the techniques. First I went out to my back yard and dug a hole every time the thing beeped. I didn’t find anything but I did ruin what grass was left during this dry Spring. Don’t tell my husband I am blaming grubs and moles. The kids and I did take the metal detector to our local beach where I found my first big item. A QUARTER! The machine beeped .25; I bent down, dug through the sand for 2 seconds and voila! Quarter! I was hooked, I love free money.  In about 30 minutes we found 36 cents. Then Dylan went back into the car to play his DS and Alice and I continued to the lacrosse field. The field is turf, but there is a strip of real ground all the way around where the parents and players stand. Alice and I found 2 quarters, a big plastic ball, 3 lacrosse balls and about 24 mouth guards of assorted colors. We only took the money.  So our first daily total was an amazing 86 CENTS! I would have found much more if I went alone. The kids lost interest when they realized that I wasn’t giving them the money. I told them to be fair the first 165.00 goes to paying for the machine then I will split the money with them.

What? That’s fair and it will happen while they are still living at home. All I need is one gold earring to pay for the machine. Well I would have if Alice didn’t keep making deposits instead of withdrawals.  Alice realized a day or two after the trip to the beach and field that she had lost her precious tooth necklace, with tooth. She was wearing a little plastic tooth around her neck that was holding her tooth that she lost over the weekend. She saved it for school so she could get a tooth necklace. Then sadly the necklace fell off as we searched for lost items.

I spent Friday night, Good Friday, no so good, walking around the medium sized -beach and large field being followed by a screaming crying child, looking for a little white plastic tooth the size of a nickel on a green plastic string.  Do you know how many white things there are on a green plastic turf field? Apparently more than there are stars in the sky.  I know because I searched square by square across a regulation sized field looking at them. After 2 hours or searching, my daughter sobbing most of the time tagging along behind me, I went back to the beach and managed to find the empty string. Sadly I cannot detect or dig up plastic. Isn’t the irony staggering?

I did stop at the grocery store on the way home to pick out a piece of candy. What? I know that’s a bad parenting move, but our grocery store is one of the few in our state that sells booze.

On a side note I used the metal detector in the side yard at the kid’s school. Every year for about the last 50 or so the town has been holding a huge fair. I was bound to find something. After 45 minutes I found a quarter. We are at over a dollar! Too bad that last night Alice confessed that she was wearing one of my silver bracelets with the aquamarine stone and yes! She lost it out on the side yard. It cost me a $120.00 bracelet to find a quarter. I am going to stop bringing the kids!

Easter Dis'E'aster

To protect the innocent and to prevent more hostilities I have removed some names and replaced them with Kardashians.

Easter is in two days and Dave and we have no plans. The holiday really snuck up on this year. My mom is sick and having her College roommate and husband coming from Buffalo to spend Easter with her. She doesn’t want us there. My sister is in the hospital for a nice long rest. I had plans for a minute with a friend from church. We usually spend Easter with my mom or with Kim Kardashian and her boy toy of the moment. She hasn't called us but this year Kim’s moods have been extremely unpredictable since the divorce troubles with Kris Humphries and she has been working nonstop. Kim hasn’t mentioned wanting to make plans with us. We don’t want to mention it to her in case she ends up freaking out about how overwhelmed and busy she is.

I call her sister Kloe because she is having an Easter party.  I love Khloe, she throws great parties and her husband Lamar is Dave’s favorite cousin... She welcomes our self-invitation with open arms. She tells me that her mom and step dad Kris and Bruce Jenner will be there and of course their daughter’s Kylie and Kendall. Our kids love playing with Kylie and Kendall. This will be fun! We make plans for our family to go up after church and bring salad. We are so excited. Easter has been saved.

I call Kim and leave a message because she is annoyed at me for an innocent thing I did that is really none of her business. However I do leave a lovely message apologizing and telling her how much I love her. I am worried that she is exhausted and needing rest and emotional support.

She doesn’t call me back, she calls Dave at work and rants and raves about how she is annoyed at everyone. Her brother Rob is driving her crazy and she will not even go to church with him on Easter. He is going up to Khloe's for the holiday. Mostly she is furious at her mother Kris for everything under the sun. Dave knows that Kim is simply mad at the world and needs a few days or even a week of rest and distance from certain family members and situations.  He listens and tries to be helpful but every word he says is a landmine he makes her madder and he keeps talking himself into corners.

He hangs up and tells me that Kim is so mad at Kris that we can’t go to Khloe’s party if Kris will be there. We are all adults and I am not giving up my Easter that easily. If Kim doesn’t want to see us why can’t we go to Khloe’s house? She’s not mad at Khloe.  It’s not like we are going to come home from Easter wearing “Team Kris” shirts around town or something. Anyway isn’t the holiday about Jesus?

I am 42-years old and I am pretty sure that my life is not governed under high school rules anymore.  We can spend time with whomever we want to even if Kim is mad at them.  What’s Kim going to do? Snub us in study hall? Refuse to sit with us in the cafeteria on Monday? We are all mature adults aren’t we?  

Kim calls Dave early on Saturday morning. 24 hours before Easter and complains that she has no holiday plans. She says that her sister Kourtney and boyfriend Scott are coming by her house with their son Mason for a short visit, but of course spending the holiday with “his” family.  Considering that Scott and his family are Jewish and it is Passover I can see why he’d want to be with his family and not celebrating the miracle of Christ. Sadly logic is not an occurring theme in Kim’s life these last few months. The theme is that the poor girl is exhausted, sad, and heading towards a nervous breakdown.  Dave looks so nervous talking to her. No matter what he says she gets mad at him.  She is a loud talker so I can hear everything that she says. He asks if we can bring the kids over for a short visit. Landmine! She can’t do that. The kids will run everywhere; the house is a mess…she complains for a long time. Then he invites her over to our house for dinner, I hide my disappointment. Did he just volunteer me to shop, cook, clean, and give up our fun Easter. I hold my breath. She says no. She won’t come over for dinner. She can’t do it.  He endures more complaining. But I am psyched! Then I hear her say that she says she’ll stop by for a short visit; she’ll pop in and out at 3:00. I slap my hands over my face. The other party starts at 3:00.  I mouth to Dave. “Tell her about Khloe’s.” He shakes his head no at me. He stammers on the receiver.

“Um, well, 3:00? Um no I don’t know if I think that will work. I’ll have to check with Lydia to see if we have plans.” He finishes, sweating a bit at the temple. I mouth. “Tell her now”. He shakes his head, no, and waves me off.

She suggests meeting out at a new trendy experimental food restaurant. l feel my eyes bulge out. Experimental food? I want ham, creamy potatoes, buttery peas, asparagus spears, not pea foam on a nest of crispy ham sticks with asparagus wafers and potato compote.  I hear Dave say “Oh, hmmm, well, I, uh, well let me talk this over with Lydia and call you right back?” She agrees. He hangs up the phone and we start talking at each other like contestants on a manic game show. After 10 minutes of frantic strategizing we realize that she has us backed in a corner. If we blow her off, she may freak out and end up in the hospital, or worse she might trash us all over Twitter.  Also we do love Kim, our Kid’s love Kim, we don’t mind spending Easter with her, but in a crazy restaurant where the kid’s have to behave, and just the five of us? We’d rather have a fun day of kids and lots of family at Khloe’s house. Darn it! We love Kim enough to sacrifice our traditional Easter.

Dave calls her back and plans are made.  After he hangs up I say. Something about missing ham and I retort about their will be lots of ham; ham foam, ham pasta, ham sodas, and ham ice cream for dessert! We both laugh and go on with the day.

I email Khloe who is sad but understands…kind of. Sometimes dealing with Kim can be hard. Later that night 7:00pm, 14 hours before Easter church services Kanye West calls. I pick up the phone and he explains that Kim just can’t make it. She has to cancel our dinner plans, she is just too sad about the divorce fight being all over the media and she is simply exhausted. He is going to be with her and they will just order dinner in the penthouse. I tell him the truth about Khloe’s party.

I say “If we go to Khloe’s party and Kris and Bruce are there it will kill Kim right?”

“Yup, that’s right yup.” He says.

“Is she right there” I ask.

“Ok, yes, un-huh.” He says.

“So we should just make other plans or go to the party and swear everyone to secrecy?” I ask

“Yes, that’s right. We knew you’d understand.” He says.

“I am so glad that you called so that I can talk to the voice of reason.” I say.

“OK, me too, we’ll see you soon. Love you too babe.” He says. We hang up and go to bed without Easter plans.

NO, after I hung up with Kanye I call my Jewish friends to make plans for brunch! My friend is  asleep but her husband and I decide that we’ll call them after church. Then as Dave and I are watching our Netflix movie  Kourtney texts me about how Kim has  has just blown her off for Easter. Their visit was canceled and Kim was cold to her over the phone and she is sad. We message back and forth for a while then we ask her to call us ASAP. She calls us and we find out that Kourtney and Scott  asked Kim out for Easter dinner as well. Kim refused and settled on a quick visit and then canceled at the last minute. Kourtney is taking it all to heart. Obviously Kim wants to be alone with Kanye for Easter. Can’t blame her I am sure that a lot of girls would.  Kourtney thinks that Kim is a lot closer to breaking down than we think.  She is afraid that Kim is too unstable. Poor Kourtney, she is so sweet and she has always mothered Kim. Maybe Kim is a lot more unbalanced than we think?  8 hours until the Easter bunny comes to our house and we have no plans.